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Priest Simulator Early Access Review

Priest Simulator is an First Person Shooter that prides itself as a “mockumental” action game where you play a Vampire (Orlok) who finds himself together with his girlfriend teleported (from hell) to a Polish town filled with colourful muppet folks.

It’s Not A Scam

Prior to getting teleported to Poland by accident, Orlok was fighting a demon called Bebok in Hell and broadcasting it to the internet to garner more fans and gain “Splendor” (in a way clout). After he is teleported to Poland, he meets a questionable parson called “Torpedo”  who capitalized on Orlok’s appearance by performing an exorcism on him in bid to prove to folks that he is legitimately is not in the field to scam folks to supplement his gambling vice. 

[h1]Bare Naked[/h1]

In a twist of unexplained luck the exorcism worked and it strips Orlok of his Vampire powers. Determined to make his way back to hell but not without his powers, Orlok does all he can in order to get his powers back, including playing the town’s Priest.

It’s All Polish To Me

If that strikes you as wacky and out there then rest assured, that’s just a gist of the silliness and confusing nature to what Priest Simulator brings to it. To add to the confusion, some aspects of the game aren’t yet translated or aren’t explained well or at all, including the game’s mechanics.

You have what seems to be a stats upgrade page but there’s no indication how to upgrade it (if it’s possible) or if it goes up when you play. 

It’s All About The Follower Count

However there are aspects that teach the game well which seem simple to be understood and explained so it makes no sense as to why some items aren’t covered.

What is well explained is the fact that Orlok would have to jump through hoops before characters in the game would help or point him to the right direction at getting his powers back.

Know that every character in-game is as corrupt or has some questionable characteristics as Orlok does, so no one would simply hand you a bone even if you are a celebrity vampire from hell, this is Poland and Orlok has to start from scratch to gain notoriety and Splendor before folks will follow him.

It’s Gonna Cost You

As Orlok does missions, it opens up the game more. Upgrades to the church can be done in order to restore it which costs “resources” that is obtained by destroying breakable objects in the environment. Weapons can also be upgraded by acquiring the blueprints through missions and spending “Black Metal” (resource for upgrading weapons) and other materials which will help in the fight to convert everyone to Christianism or simply beat those who aren’t of the same religion.

Doing Priest Things

For the most part the gameplay works as intended and is fun thanks to the craziness of the world. Side missions such as performing exorcism, doing sermons and listening to confessions help add a layer to the game that may garner interests. Doing side missions is part and parcel to gaining followers and is tied to progression but you aren’t required to complete every single one of it.

Just a Temporary Scar

The most noteworthy issue about the game is that stuff is simply lost in translation (or the lack of it). Leaving you to guess what they meant or did contribute to the game. The game is ugly as sin, but it might be deliberate and who knows it might be placeholders for stuff not developed yet down the line. The quest markers are off at times and you have to figure out where or what it is supposed to be at.

Final Thoughts

For the obvious issues Priest Simulator has, it may add inconveniences to your gameplay but they are never a game breaking one. The story is in the park of its so bad that it’s good and is what might draw you in further and further into this hell pit of craziness to what the developers call “modern Poland”.

Purchase Priest Simulator on Steam!

Hailing from a small Island. Huge football fan. Drinks too much tea.
Survival, Roguelikes, Turn-based or Indie games in general are my go to genres but I like to dabble in all kinds of genres. I tend to have a soft spot for Shmups and Hidden Object Games once in a while.

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